Sunday, July 13, 2003

last song syndrome: spring lullaby - xenogears ost

Updates! Two Wings chapter 5 up in the yaoi section. A new sketch in Sketches, and a Yoshi-Christian pic in the yaoi fanart section. My we are productive.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's08:08 p.m.

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

last song syndrome: koori no naifu o daite - ogata megumi (kurama)

Once again, am driving myself sleepless--a clear indication that something is amiss.

The other day I deliberately provoked my grandmother, and through her a couple of other family members. I realized my mistake almost as soon as I made it, but in my hyper-reactive family nothing can be taken back easily.

I'm worried about this. Every time I leave somewhere, I seem to have a tendency to burn bridges. And I burn them in the clumsiest, most unpleasant way possible. I cut myself off from family, friends, almost anyone I've developed a relationship with. Is this a defensive reflex on my part? A twisted way of avoiding having to miss people?

Today's navel-gazing session courtesy of Pere-chan allowing her hormones to run away with her. Not productive. Will go pack instead.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's01:08 p.m.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

I got the will to drive myself sleepless.

I wonder that I'm not sick of that song yet.

Intentional sleep deprivation is, I imagine, much like masturbation: one derives a sort of half-conscious, self-destructive satisfaction from it. I usually reserve this time of night (/morning) for sex scenes and emotional torture, drawn or written. When not getting whipped by my muses, I end up reading blogs and fanfic. Obsessively. Till dawn, sometimes.

The best fic to read during the boiled-eyeball hours is Jamais Vu, a series of Utena fics by the much-mourned Technomancy ladies. I feel a special empathy with Ruka's wee-hour ramblings from the DJ booth. It's another thing to do when I don't have the juice to create.

On that note, a sudden breakthrough: I know what Max from Tripper looks like! Finally! I'm horrible at pinning down my characters' looks. Half the time I start with a drawing of the lead characters and build up a story (Ken Shinpu was the most glaring example), the other half I write a story with only the vaguest mind-sketch of their actual features. I focus on details like black eyes, pale hair and/or skin, slender build, etc. and neglect the rest of it.

I've been writing Tripper for two years, and only now did I draw Max to my satisfaction, and in blue ballpoint at that. =_= As for Hisamu, I still have no idea. I've already drawn bits of comics for Love Cats, but I'm not happy with Stripe's design--I found something that might be a good inspiration for him but haven't drawn it yet. All in all it's frustrating, especially when I get the sudden urge to draw sex scenes.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's01:32 p.m.

Friday, June 13, 2003

last song syndrome: heart of sword - tm revolution

I have spent the whole day working on Mom's website. I am ex-HOS-ted. Not to mention mindlessly frustrated.

My best friends are at Goth Night, and I am stuck in the boondocks coding and re-coding HTML and wishing I could go. My twin GB's probably out partying with his adoring friends, who are likely paying for him again. My cousins are at the Shangri-La Hotel in Cebu.

It's fucking Independence Day Weekend. And I can't get out of the fucking house.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's10:51 p.m.

Friday, June 6, 2003

last song syndrome: blind summer fish - utada hikaru

What does it mean when two of your favorite people don't let you know about a farewell dinner for one of said favorite persons, before he leaves for somewhere? What does it mean when he doesn't even say goodbye, knowing you're not going to see him again before you leave for London?

It means you're annoying, unwelcome and they don't want you around. It means you are far from their favorite person. It means you're a loser.

That's what it means.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's11:18 a.m.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

last song syndrome: let me be with you - round table featuring nino

I have a film with my name on the front! On the FRONT, not just in the end credits somewhere!

What's more, it was nominated for several Piaya awards! That's like the Oscars of my summer workshop. We had the ceremony on Friday, where I also presented the award for "The Medium Is The Message" (I'd won it already, so they were sure I wouldn't win it again).

Our film was nominated for:
Best Actor (Charles Ea)
Best Supporting Actor (Wanggo Gallaga)
Best Screenplay (mine!!!)
Best Director (me again! and Jaime Chua)
Best Editing
Best Cinematography
Best Production Design (me again!)
Best Video in Production Design
Best Sound Design (me again, ahahaha!)

And we won: Best Production Design, and Best Video in Production Design! *screams* *jumps up and down*

It was then that I learned I'm a terrible public speaker, especially when I have to make something up. My acceptance speech was stupid and embarrassing. #U_U#

Ah, well. WE WON!!! And Tito Peque said he liked it! I feel like this is only the start. Still, I think I'm a better designer than director. Doesn't hurt to be both, though.

. . .

I turned on my TV for the very first time in a whole week. I checked my mail, and I finished the Artemis Fowl books. I'll even be able to watch the Matrix Reloaded tomorrow.

I don't want to.

I want to be in the Gallaga Theater and watch the Being class rehearse until 11:30 pm. I want to sleep in the editing room--they have such nice comfy mats. I want to help the Play Production class glue stuff together and set up the stage.

My friends are all leaving. Some of them have left already. And soon I'll be going, too. I can only hope I make friends nearly as close in London.

I love the idea of going to London. I can't wait to get there. I found out what I'm capable of this month, and I don't think I've even come close to my limits yet. But I think I'll miss more, now. I'll be leaving more behind, and it's sad. But Wanggo was right. Good things not only end, they have to. Otherwise we'll just rot in our own happiness. That would waste everything we've learned this summer, wouldn't it? So I have to let it go, don't I?

Being so attached to people is unhealthy, but it's hard for me to give it up. Sometimes I don't feel I exist until people see me--not only see, but acknowledge. It makes me an oppressive person to be around, because as much as I try to hide it, my friends always sense that desperation behind me, and are disturbed by it.

I hate staying in this house because they treat me like a spoiled child instead of a working adult. I was perfectly happy to be spoiled before the workshops, but now it's twice as hard.

Maybe it's nothing that won't go away with a few days of regular sleep and a new project. I hope so.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's01:26 p.m.

Friday, May 16, 2003

last song syndrome: calling out - curt smith

All this time I've been spitting out watermelon seeds when I eat, and only now I find out that when you eat them, they're crunchy and a good aid to digestion. You live and learn.

. . .

So, um. Yes. Last night I was elevated from cinematographer to director. WHOO-HOOOOOO!!! ...Ahem. Actually we very nearly didn't shoot at all last night, for really stupid reasons which I will not discuss here. But I absolutely point blank REFUSED to put the shoot off until tomorrow. I told my groupmates we'd do whatever the hell it took to shoot that day, even if we had to run around begging for materials and I had to pay for everything myself. (I nearly did, hee.)

Having said that, all the roles changed last night when we were shooting. I became the director, my PD became the production manager. We brought in a cinematographer from somewhere else, and he did a much better job than I could have.

My PD sucks as a director, but is actually a brilliant production manager. When he's given a job and a deadline, suddenly he miraculously gets everything done: he found us lights, a second camera and two tripods instead of one. Plus people to work both the extra camera and the lights. Well done!

In any case, what this all means is that we did get to shoot. And what we got to shoot were the end scene, the cigarette scene...and the kiss. Yes, the blatantly yaoi bits.

I got to direct. I got to direct. I got to direct my godbrother, who is an improbably lovely bishounen, and his classmate in Being (that's a really intense acting workshop), who is of no little good looks himself, and I got to. Make. Them. Kiss.

Wanggo has no inhibitions when it comes to acting, but Charles is quite straight, and apparently one of my idiot groupmates told him it wouldn't be a REAL kiss. He looked pretty alarmed when I corrected the assumption, but thank goodness for their professionalism! He just took a little while to get himself into character, and then they did a great rehearsal and several brilliant takes. Afterwards they told me, did I really owe them one. I happily agreed to any repayment up to and including my soul. ^_^

It was funny though--I enjoyed directing the end scene, with the almost-kiss, more than directing the actual kiss. Part of it is that a kiss is hell on the mechanics: hair gets in the way, the other face blocks the view, the angles are so awkward. But also I felt guilty. This wasn't like posing dolls. I knew these people and they knew me. Wanggo agreed with me; he said he'd have felt easier kissing a stranger.

But I love them both for being so calm about it. That's the treasure of working with professionals. Still, I don't think I'd make a good director, because I was always apologizing to everybody about everything. "Sorry, could we put these two cuts together instead?" "Sorry, you seemed a little nervous." "Sorry, can I have the camera over here instead, please?" I put it down to lack of experience, as well as lack of faith in my own authority. Still, I think I did a pretty good job for a first-time writer/director. *head puffs up to impossible width and explodes*

Also, there were fun bits in between takes, like when Charles discovered my Kenshin doujinshi. He was like "Oh, that is so wrong! Got any more?" The Bride of Wormwood strikes again, mwahaha.

Charles also told me I look like a snake girl, which is a compliment I enjoy very much. Wanggo pointed out I look like a cat to him, and I move like one too, and Charles agreed. It's nice to be complimented by two cute guys, even when you don't have a crush on them. =^_^=

We are shooting again tonight! I hope things go more smoothly, so that we can finish everything before Saturday--I still have a whole day workshop to facilitate that day! @.@ Never mind, I can sleep during their Being class, and just eat lots of Pocky to keep my energy up. Yosh', ganbaru!

By my Hello Kitty clock it's03:07 p.m.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Let's get one thing STRAIGHT. I am selfish and thoughtless a lot of the time. I tend to be self-absorbed, and I really need to work on the feelings of others. So you're right. But don't presume to get righteous with ME on thoughtfulness. I may annoy people, but I don't make them CRY. And they don't hate me, they hate YOU. And I hate you. And they can't stand to be around you. Gee, I can't THINK why. Maybe it's because I'm THOUGHTLESS. I should ask them, the next time you make one of them cry. BITCH.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's11:32 p.m.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

last song syndrome: front row - alanis morrissette

Alanis Morrissette is in my head, and she's driving me crazy.

. . .

Harry's not doing the shoot. Poo. And I was counting on watching my crush kiss my gay bishounen godbrother in front of my camera. *sigh* Too much to hope for, I guess.

I'm not unhappy with Harry for saying no; it's his reasons that bother me. He didn't think he'd be able to kiss a guy. I mean, what's an advanced acting workshop for if you can't even kiss one guy, and a very cute guy at that?

...^_^ I just remembered something I read in Jerry Seinfeld's book Sein Language. He was probing the question of homophobia, and he thinks the reason so many guys have it is because guys are so gullible when it comes to being sold stuff. (According to him. I'm not a guy; I wouldn't know.) He was saying that maybe they're afraid that if they were exposed to it for a bit they'd be convinced. "Here, just try it; hold this guy's hand, walk around for a little while, see how that feels." *falls about laughing*

Seeing as my first boyfriend became gay halfway through our relationship (not my fault, that time at least), and my second began feeling reluctantly drawn to girly bishounen after prolonged exposure to yaoi (which was my fault ^^;)--maybe Seinfeld has a point, and Harry a reason. But if they can be convinced so easily, I don't think much of them in the first place.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's08:58 p.m.

Monday, May 5, 2003

last song syndrome - bading na bading sa 'yo

I was such a bitch today. I feel terrible. I opened my mouth and my mother started pouring out. I could hear myself, but I couldn't stop. And I could see the object of my wrath wasn't even listening , but I still couldn't stop. I pushed it, and pushed it, and then he got annoyed, and when he was gone I just wanted to cry.

I am an angry person. An angry, angry person. Whenever anything happens, my first reaction is to bitch and whine. When did this happen? When did I turn from a happy person into a yowling shrew? How did I get so disconnected that when I'm not mad at myself I'm mad at everyone--everything--else?

God, I need a life. I'm so self-absorbed I make myself sick.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's11:40 p.m.

Thursday, May 1, 2003

last song syndrome: david bowie - jump magic jump

Now I think I can understand the frustration of some of my college professors. Why take a production design class when you can't even observe a film well enough to learn the names of the main characters? Our props master couldn't even remember the Duke, for God's sake. And yeah, about that guy...

Listen, you, if you're going to be working with me, I want to reach you. I don't care whether you have a cellphone or not, or even a land line at your house. Not having an e-mail address is NO EXCUSE. What the hell is Yahoo for?

Then again, if the guy doesn't even have e-mail, what makes me think he'll ever be arsed to check his e-mail when he does have it? And then he says "You can reach my cousin, he has a cellphone."

Is your cousin attached to your ass? Does he follow you around like a puppy at all hours? No? Well then, unless your cousin is taking the damn class FOR you, I don't want to hear about your damn cousin.

God, I despair of these people. Mom, experienced producer that she is, suggested a regular call time: he should call at a certain hour every day. Very good idea. She suggested he should call the production designer, but I'm not so sure I trust our PD. Ah well, we'll work it out.

Addendum: I was right not to trust him. My prod designer is so PATRONIZING. "I don't want to question your method but..." and then he goes right on to question my method. Listen you! I respect that you're older than me. I respect your input. I especially respect your experience. But don't fucking talk to me like I'm a fucking five-year-old.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's09:13 p.m.

Monday, April 28, 2003

last song syndrome: yasashisa ni tsuzumareta nara - kiki's delivery service ed

Haha, everything is fine. I am fine. Also an idiot, but perfectly fine now, ha ha.

Once again, I am Employed! *cheer* Every summer the local college hosts a group of professionals who put up what is called the Negros Summer Workshops. (No, it's not racist; Negros is pronounced the Spanish way, and it's just the name of my province, nothing to do with dark-skinned people at all.) The workshops cover various aspects of film and performance art. Mom and I have been part of that community for a long time--she's been working in film since she was in college, and teaching in the workshops since I was ten. I've taken several classes myself, but this summer for the first time I'll be staffing! I'm the assistant to the instructor for Scriptwriting For Drama. Then in the afternoons, I'll also be taking the Production Design class. *ker-boing*

A minor hitch, nothing important, but worth mentioning. You may remember me ranting about this person on livejournal. Well, by all ill stars that shine upon me...guess who's taking Scriptwriting For Drama.

I remember his poems. I hope he's improved since then. I can say he has the Drama part right, at least. Stupid denial queen.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's01:12 a.m.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

last song syndrome: hikari - utada hikaru

Watched The Wild Thornberrys Movie with my godbrother today. It was great fun. I really, really like Eliza. Actually, I like all of them, but I feel a special sympathy for the little geek girl.

. . .

Today I once again realized how absolutely fucking brilliant I am about screwing myself over. Is it possible to be emotionally suicidal?

By my Hello Kitty clock it's09:03 p.m.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

last song syndrome: pilot - maaya sakamoto

Just one last little thing: this person has recently reminded me how much I love Fuuma. I have a funny approach to critically acclaimed apocalypse anime/manga. I follow it for a good while, then fixate on just one character and drop the series. For example, I still believe that Kaworu was the only thing in Evangelion worth watching, besides the earlier fights.

It was the same with X. In this case though, I love the story, but couldn't be arsed to collect all the tankoubon. The only thing I really really miss about reading X...is Fuuma. I loved him even when he was Goody-goody Kendo Boy with the awful hair. When he went bad I screamed, then cried...then fell all the rest of the way for him. Kinda helped that he was so gorgeous.

I also love Kakyou. He's my other favorite. And I believe they should Be Two-Gether.

Am on a layout rampage right now--maybe I ought to make them one, yes.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's12:07 a.m.

Friday, April 25, 2003

last song syndrome: time after time - some japanese artist on channel v

Made a new layout for boyslut which I actually like better than this one. Must spiff this one up a bit. Then again, I've shamefully neglected the yaoi blog since I signed up to livejournal. The little yaoi S&M couple who live in my head are mad at me.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I'll post something smutty there. Sade and Leigh will like that. ^_^

. . .

My goodness. There is a Chinese version of Chippendale. We're not talking furniture here, people.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's10:52 p.m.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

FINALLY, it posts! Still behind, but not as bad as before. Hope the problems are over now. Unfortunately, the posts I put up just before archiving went unread. You can read them in the archives at left.

Had butterfly pictures developed. Highly disappointing. That funny spot-focus thing you're supposed to do with the camera didn't work for me. The part that ought to be blurred was sharp, and the main focus was blurred. ARGH!

By my Hello Kitty clock it's02:06 a.m.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

last song syndrome: thundercats op

I am experiencing American backlash in the most irrational way. Most of my online friends are American (and by this I mean citizens of the United States). Many of my favorite writers reside there. When taken individually I admire, respect, love, even adore them. But mention the word "Americans" and the skin crawls up the back of my neck.

This is an unfair, unhealthy and even highly bigoted reaction and I'm ashamed of it. Americans themselves have as much or as little to do with their government as we Filipinos have to do with ours. One might as well judge all Filipinos by the behavior of Marcos and his cronies, and by the state of our own government today. It's completely stupid of me to even think these things. I put it up to reading too much news online and not spending enough physical time with actual intelligent Americans.

But if I'm experiencing these feelings, what about more ignorant people, who know nothing about the rest of the story? What about the people who have no Internet or TV or papers, some of whom don't even know how to read, who get their news through rumor and what their own governments tell them?

The fear and the hatred are spreading. I can't say it's unfounded, but I will say it's unfair. People all over the world, especially in Asia, are starting to hate Americans. Some of them are even people who should know better.

. . .

Watched Thundercats today: very obviously a Last Unicorn tribute episode. That has to be one of my favorite movies of all time, but I haven't watched it for so long I tend to forget it's my favorite till I find something that reminds me.

I like the grownups better now that I'm older, especially Panthro and Cheetara. In this episode they were rushing to the defense of Lion-O, but they had time on the way for a little casual banter about Panthro's pet tank. Panthro's VA, Ed Hyman, is in my opinion the greatest unsung voice actor ever.

So, in tribute, here's a link to outtakes from the show. Lion-O, you complete potty-mouth you.

Also a site that did outtakes from both Thundercats and SilverHawks, another childhood favorite of mine. The files don't seem to be accessible though.

And speaking of animated series...the villain on today's RK, the renegade Jinputai leader Touma, has an incredibly sexy voice. Wasted on the character, unfortunately.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's07:01 p.m.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

last song syndrome: what'll she look like - stephen speaks

This is my new layout. I am currently hooked on these lovely lovely slightly creepy dolls. Check the links in the layout note at left, and you may succumb to the power of Dollfie as well. This is largely the fault of Cassiel, who unwittingly led me into the world of J-Glam Kills Barbie. Um. Yeah.

. . .

I am too old to be frantically searching for my own validation. Or at least I might be doing it in a more mature manner than watching movies like Pretty Woman, The Intern, and for God's sake, Josie and the Pussycats.

Ah yes, about Josie and the Pussycats. Um...I am paranoid now. Very paranoid. Extremely paranoid.

"I want a vintage tee...and Heath Ledger." Wahahahahahaha!!!

. . .

Had a good day. We went to a butterfly farm!!! Words cannot express. Took pictures. Even the caterpillars were beautiful. Spent the afternoon in a bamboo gazebo, the kind you see in coffee table books about tropical interiors. Sketched and hung out with Mom, Mom's friend, and her daughter Andie, who is the only other yaoi fan in the entire province. ^_^ Also ate guapple pie, which is like apple pie only with guava. Mmmmm.

By my Hello Kitty clock it's08:43 p.m.